No Longer Ashamed: How Nichiren Buddhism Helped Me with Mental Illness

By Shermeeka Mason

 

Before I started practicing Nichiren Buddhism, I considered myself a Spiritualist.

While living in Buffalo, New York I was a member of the only Spiritualist churches in the East Aurora area.  Almost every Sunday, I sat in my usual spot in the second pew and listened to sermons about cause and effect, the Law of Attraction, and how thoughts were things that greatly influenced our existence—as well as our connection to the spirit realm.

The latter message was one that was preached to us often:  that our thoughts—both positive and negative—determine our quality of life.  That when we think negatively, the universe will respond accordingly and we as human beings are ultimately responsible for the outcome.  That was why positive thinking and focusing on abundance was paramount to truly moving our lives forward.

I recognize now that these sermons were about the power of cause and effect, but I didn’t realize that the Spiritualist definition was completely dissimilar to the one that resonates with me today.  Yet back then, I usually walked away from the service harboring a deep-seated indignity and discouragement.  Unbeknownst to the members, I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and (eventually) Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder so I continuously struggled with negative thinking associated with emotion irregularities.  Even before becoming a Spiritualist, I practiced various religions while adopting portions of ideologies in order to combat symptoms unaddressed and therefore untreated.

So whenever I went to the lunch hour after the Spiritualist service, I observed fellow members and silently wondered if I were disappointing Spirit for my inability to “think abundance.”  I soon reached out to one of the leaders to gain clarity—excluding all information regarding my mental illness.  Her response was that my thoughts were as potent as speech and that any negative thinking would block my blessings, connection with Spirit, and greatly affect my relationships with other people.

I tried desperately to shift my thinking with meditation to prevent this from happening, but silence only invited more negative messages about me and my life condition (if I even have the wherewithal to maintain focus).  This alone confirmed the internalized belief that I was never meant to achieve happiness and serenity.

So when I was introduced to Nichiren Buddhism by a class presentation in one of my grad school courses, I pretty much divorced myself from any aspect of hope.  Yet the information presented, Michelle Joo’s experience on Buddha in America and the genuine kindness of Gail, a Buffalo member piqued my interest.  Though believing that happiness escaped me and feeling as if Spirit had completely left me, I found that I still possessed a sliver of hope within me.  Maybe this is what I need, I thought.

I attended my first SGI Youth discussion meeting with an understandable amount of anxiety and distrust. I was weary of the smiling faces owned by these complete strangers sitting at a table, automatically assuming that they will dislike me after intuiting my mental illness.  But the moment I sat in an empty chair, they immediately asked questions about me and why I was interested in the practice.  The discomfort I experienced slowly deteriorated as I began telling them my story, asking questions, and finally disclosing my struggles with mental illness.

Emi, the North Zone Youth Division Leader, responded with how proud she was of me, how glad she was to meet me before sharing her experience with depression associated with her mother’s suicide.  Instead of internalizing her pain, she utilized it to strengthen her practice and the mentor/disciple relationship with her mentor, SGI President Daisaku Ikeda.  Soon after, other members began to share honestly about their struggles and how chanting nam-moyho-renge-kyo ignited their inner wisdom to courageously face even the most desolate obstacles to take action on their own accord.

I’d NEVER heard of an ideology like this.  The religions I practiced over the years always taught me that I had to relinquish my personal and spiritual power over to a Higher Being.  Meaning that only Spirit can bless me with the existence I so desperately longed for.  These Nichiren Buddhist, however, were completely discrediting that particular ideology by stating that I have the capability to obtain the life I’ve always wanted—I just have to chant consistently, have faith in myself, and study with other members.

I left the discussion feeling validated and accepted for who I was at that moment—something I have never experienced at the Spiritualist church.  So I decided to try Nichiren Buddhism just to determine the validity of the practice, considering that I had nothing to lose other than the shred of sanity I managed to cling onto.  So I began chanting, becoming involved in youth activities, and actually started to see benefits.  I even received my gohonzon in the summer of 2013.

Despite all of this, my negative thinking became increasingly persistent.  Though logically aware that the members displayed no evidence of wanting to harm me, I still had suspected that it would only be a matter of time before they did. On top of dealing with a rising bout of anxiety induced paranoia, there was still the notion of expressing continuous joy in order to become a true Buddha.  And because of my mental illness, I was unable to do so.  Thus, I attended meetings thinking that everyone had the capability to be happy but me.

A suicide attempt and unforeseen life circumstances forced me to realize that none of that was accurate.  In fact, chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo actually revealed to me why my mental illness was so profound over the years.  Besides being either undermedicated or not at all, I very rarely did I address my issues properly because I feared the personal accountability/responsibility needed to work towards being whole—despite undergoing years of therapy.  I instead heavily relied on people, places, situations, and Spirit to rescue me from my problems.

More importantly, though, I also acknowledged the bulk of my issues stemmed from unresolved childhood trauma and resented the fact that I was cleaning up a mess that I myself didn’t make.  But this practice taught me the power of cause and effect, that as an adult I’ve the ability to transform my life so I am no longer controlled by my past.  This fact required me to practice self-care that involved seeking professional help for my mental illness and neurodivergence.

Today, I am seeing an amazing therapist and psychiatrist—in addition to taking medication to manage my symptoms. I am able to concentrate, so I am able to chant consistently for an hour, meet with other members, and retain the information in the publication.  In the past, my depression and anxiety was so severe that I didn’t even chant—let alone leave the house.  But my fellow Buddhists were patient with me because some of them know of my struggles with mental illness and neurodivergence.  They didn’t encourage me to smile, “think abundance,” or get over it.  I was often told to come to the gohonzon as I am, so that was what I did and continue to do.

With the combination for my practice and receiving professional help, I am pretty much transformed me into the woman I’ve always wanted to be: beautiful, confident, strong, intelligent, creative, and a true bodhisattva of this Earth.

 

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The Power of Daimoku and the Mentor-Disciple Relationship

By Shermeeka Mason

On the third week of June, my friend asked me to move out of her home.

When I asked her why, she replied that I had become “too comfortable,” that she was “enabling” me by letting me live with her and her partners, and that I was prevented from reaching my full potential.  When I asked if I could stay until August 1^st just to have at least thirty days to find another residence, my friend replied “Are you able to pay for July?”

No.  My unemployment ran out at the beginning of this month when I thought had until October to receive benefits.  Beforehand, I was able to pay my friends $300 as rent (which included everything). While the money was available, I was allowed to share a room with my cat, Tobias, with impunity.  My needs were often accommodated and I performed reading services for my friend (who is blind) whenever she wanted them.  Yet with me losing my only source of income, I couldn’t continue to pay for the room I occupied.  So I wasn’t allowed to live there any longer, leaving me with only two weeks to find me and my cat a place to live.

I was anxious, hurt, and extremely angry because the reason given made absolutely no sense—considering I’ve caused no harm.  I also sensed that they were not forthcoming with the real reason why I had to suddenly leave: lack of income.  This change caused unnecessary stress and I became somewhat emotionally withdrawn from my housemates to avoid further distress.  President Ikeda writes “Certainly there will be times when you wish you had more spending money, more time to sleep and more time for fun and recreation.  You may feel restricted now, but you should consider your current situation as the perfect set of circumstances for your growth.  Within the restriction that define your present existence, the only thing to do is to discipline yourself and head in the direction of growth and self-improvement” (Buddhism Day By Day:  Wisdom for Modern Life, p. 199).

Despite my reaction to this, I also realized an opportunity to heavily rely on the gohonzon for guidance and much-needed wisdom to protect me and Tobias.  The next day, I began chanting both morning and evening for a full hour—something I’d never done during my two years of practice.  I immediately noticed a sense of inner strength and resolve after every gongyo, prepared to complete any task necessary to overcome this obstacle.

In the meantime, I reached out to members in faith so I wouldn’t be so isolated.  Dee, a Sister-in-Faith, started holding tozos at her house every Thursday, so I joined her and other members to chant and discuss Sensei’s guidance. When Dee and I had the chance to connect, I opened up to her about my housing situation.  She then supported me by sharing her own experiences with potential homelessness and how chanting vigorously had turned everything around.  She encouraged to have complete faith in my practice while making causes that would move my life forward.  She convinced me to apply for cash assistance and emergency housing through the Department of Social Services (DSS).  In fact, Dee was so adamant about me making causes that she texted me to make sure I was on my way to the office.  In addition, she fed me sweet bread when I was distressed, never judging me as I ate all of it and opened her home for a five-hour tozo on my behalf.

Another member who had been supporting me throughout this entire ordeal was Phil.  He was (and still is) extremely instrumental in talking me off the emotional ledge whenever my discouragement clouded my perception of self.  When I informed him of my friend’s request to relocate, he not only volunteered to help me clean up my resume so I could obtain employment, but offered his couch to me and Tobias if we couldn’t find a place by July 1^st.  But above all, he always told me to not begrudge my existence, my work, that I’m a treasure tower, and to never give up.

I started reading SGI publications way more than I used to, finding encouragement and hope in members’ experiences and President Ikeda’s speeches.  Speaking of which, he wrote about the importance of the mentor-disciple relationship, how disciples (or younger members) must seek guidance from spiritually strong mentors in order to grow as people.  I cannot stress enough the importance of reaching out to other members.  The support of Dee, Phil, Ann, George, and other fellow Buddhists showed me that I have mentors here in the Rochester District.

Their faith in me and my growing faith in my practice is slowly paying off:  I have an appointment with DSS in regards to cash assistance; I have an appointment with Access-VR, an agency that assists individuals with mental illness to find employment; my therapist helped me gather information about a community vet clinic for Tobias, who is displaying stress-related behaviors; I was able to see a care management supervisor who could possibly help me find a permanent home for me and my cat.

But most importantly, I am not discouraged and I recognize that my friend’s decision has absolutely nothing to do with me. If anything, my homelessness encouraged me to strengthen my Buddhist practice and connection with fellow members.  My current circumstances haven’t changed—I still have to leave by end of the month.  My reaction to these changes, however, is significantly different because of my increased daimoku and encouragement from my Rochester mentors.

 

Shermeeka M.L. Mason is a self-published author, blogger, and volunteer radio show host.  She recently published the political science-fiction novel, The One Taken from the Sea of Stars under the pen name Octavia Davis.  She is also the creator of and contributor for two blogs, The Possible World and The Chuck Taylor Buddhist (both available on WordPress.com).  In addition to being an active author, Mason is currently one of the co-hosts of The Bonfire Talks on WAYO 104.3 FM.  In her spare time, she reads, performs with the Rochester Womens’ Community Chorus, binges on Facebook, and spends time with beloved cat-son, Tobias.

 

 

 

My True Bodhisattva of the Earth: A Tribute to My Mother, Bernice Glashofer

By Phillip Glashofer

Buddhism is a religion and philosophy of how to develop, embrace and practice to become better human beings. We can develop and bring out our best human traits to help contribute to a more harmonious and value creating society as our organization’s name bears.

My membership and support of this fine organization started many years before I became a member, with my upbringing in a highly dysfunctional family. Despite these dynamics, I was able to develop a foundation for the core values my parents did provide – especially my mom, whose life and relationship with me I would like to share as my way of paying tribute to the reason why I practice this Buddhist philosophy as earnestly as I do.

My mom Bernice Glashofer, whose name means Blessing in Hebrew, was born on September 15th 1929, as an only child and was raised in an upper middle class lifestyle. Early on, my mom established relationships with well known Hollywood icons in movies and television like Danny Thomas, Jesse White, Imogene Coca…and others. Having well known celebrities in the family did not hurt – like my 3rd cousin in my family is Mel Brooks–along with the late Michael Landon of Bonanza fame.

These people were very charitable with their time supporting many causes and made an impression on my mom at an early age and kept her grounded. She passed on the same impression to me through the visits I took part in with her—to all the charities that her organization, Jewish War Veterans of America, supported. There were all kinds of charities—especially with kids from less fortunate circumstances.

Her graciousness toward people was always apparent.  She would invite people to dinner—especially BBQ’s on the weekend.  Oh did we feast at my great grandparents’ house with a huge garden in the back. My mom adored me as the dutiful son who she could always count on. She would call me in the middle of baseball games across the street from my great grandparents’ house – in the schoolyard – my field of dreams – to go do a quick grocery shop, which was a phenomenon in itself. The game would stop as I would run to get her grocery list and run to the store, do a Supermarket sweep, return with groceries and change, and run right back into the suspended game to resume—not airing a discouraging word along the way.

This background, along with time spent with my great grandparents, was nurturing my character to develop a selfless nature and joy in serving and working with people. My great grandfather was the original “Philadelphia lawyer,” a champion of the people who started the first school for immigrants at the turn of the twentieth century to teach them how to read and write. My mom, a legal secretary for over 55 years herself – was also a champion of the people.

I was born on October 18th 1956, after 27 1/2 hours of arduous labor.  I was long out of the chute and had a difficult upbringing as I was part of the quintessential 50’s dysfunctional family.  The oldest child who got all the abuse—both verbal and physical. My brother (the middle child) was the King and my sister (the baby) was coddled.

When I moved to Rochester in 1977 to work at Xerox, I was running away from my family and possibly my life as well as I started a serious plunge into my ostrich karma as my way of avoiding the pain I felt at not being considered ever “good enough.”  It wasn’t till eight years later at a time when I was ready to give up on my life completely, that I was introduced to this wonderful practice. My mom was the first person I introduced this practice to in my family, so she could understand the changes I wanted to undergo but still was not ready for.

Back when I started, I would come home to visit my mom in Atlantic City and she would take me to meetings.  It was not till years later that I got her to come to one of our meetings in Atlantic City District and she even chanted Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo.  She was always calling me about anything related to Buddhism, asking me how to use this philosophy.  When she went to get her hair done in Philadelphia she would tell people about her Buddhist son and introduce people to this philosophy telling them about the Philadelphia Community Center.

Despite my mom’s love and support of my new found spiritual path, I again let myself and my family down by not facing up to my ostrich karma and losing a precious relationship with a wonderful woman I was married to for four years back in 1994. My mom was one of the few people who did not turn her back on me at this time, but encouraged me to finally face myself – this ugly part of myself. This was a tough journey that started with a year of crying jags and deep depression during which I could not even attend our meetings for a full year.

My relationship with my mom grew much closer at this time, though, as we started to talk almost every day—several times a day at times—as I journeyed down my path of Human Revolution, as we call it in this practice. My life had shifted and when she fell gravely ill in the beginning of 1999, I poured my life into my practice for her recovery and started to clean my life up.  I went back to work full time for first time in 5 years and started to stand up again in our organization to really work for the ideals this organization stands for and how I was raised.

Now I flash forward to her final years spent as caretaker to my dad, then to my grand mother before they passed…despite her lack of love and support from the rest of my dysfunctional family…she always knew she could count on me…and it was my turn over the past ten years…especially after my serious car accident in 2003 to pour back my love and support of my mom…any chance I could when I was home I would spoil my mom and do whatever she needed me to do.

I share all these things knowing currently I have fellow members who are struggling with the same type of issues with having lost loved ones, supporting loved ones who are going through life threatening illnesses.  we are constantly reminded of how precious our lives are and to value each moment we have in life.

Despite the abuse and my young naïveté, I quickly learned that my parents did have good in them that was in me.  I just needed to really learn who I was and how to bring it out to complete that self-love and have a true ability to love and support others. My mom’s seeking spirit is alive and well within me, so this is the path I am on I am dedicated to and will complete.

Thank you, Mom. You were my blessing.

Human Destiny: Living Life with Others

 

“When we interact with others with true sincerity, the other person will more often than not come to respect and value our own character.  And this is all the more so when our actions are based on prayer.

Conversely, holding others in contempt only leads to being held in contempt oneself: one whose life is tainted by feelings of hate toward others will come to be reviled by others.

Let us open the path to mutual respect and harmonious coexistence so as to bring an end to this vicious circle that has long been part of human destiny.”

—Daisaku Ikeda, Third President of the Soka Gakkai International

 

About a couple of months ago, my friend Asan tells me that I tend to hide my strength and personal power from others.  Though I have the spirit of a leader, I also have shrink away from such a role and disappear into my own world.  This has been true for as long as I can remember:  I would take on leadership roles on projects I’ve started or author poetry and other forms of writing—only to deem it unimportant or not good enough.  Furthermore, there is still a huge part of me that doesn’t take kindly to judgement.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what Asan has said and decide to challenge this obstacle.  I’ve made a determination to recognize and own my personal strength and to share my life with others as much as I can.  I chant day and night about this, looking for some sign of some improvement.

Meanwhile, I volunteer at a local radio station where I’m a co-host of a weekly radio program.  Every Wednesday, my co-host and I talk about topics ranging from politics to fan fiction.  I even talk about Nichiren Buddhism and my practice on occasion.  Though people listen to our radio show, I’ve felt that we could make it better by inviting guests into the studio to discuss their projects.  Once I put the word out, friends and local artists respond by sharing their work on the air!

As far as my writing, I’ve begun networking more often—both on the internet and offline.  One of the people I’ve reached out to is my friend Dave, a young man I’ve met through a mutual friend.  We meet for coffee one day, talking in general about writing and art when he asks me to submit a horror story for a project he’s starting!  And he’s not the only one—an editor invites me to write a Three Muskateer-type story after another suggests me as a possible collaborator. I’m very excited about this, considering that I would never think that I would have the courage to even show my writing years ago.

Even my personal relationships with people are starting to change.  Today, my friend Sophie and I hang out for the very first time.  We have made plans a week or so ago to connect, so I’m very stoked to spend time with her.  She picks me up from my house so we could have coffee at Starbucks.  We enjoy each other’s company so much that we have what turns into a midday adventure that involves eating grocery-store sushi and sharing personal stories about each other and our individual lives.  After telling her about my practice, Sophie now wants to know more about the SGI.

When I return home and reflect on the past week and today, I realize that, my time with Sophie and my other friends show me that I am indeed capable of connecting with others, sharing what I have with them as much as I possibly can.  Being around other people also reminds me that I have passions, inner resources, time, and love to give despite my circumstances and limitations.  A year ago, I would have concealed myself away in my room and not want to deal with the outside world as much.  In reality, I’ve labeled myself unimportant compared to people who are more financially and mentally stable.  But now I’m rethinking my false beliefs after a few people have stated that I’m handling my adversity very well.

At this moment, I finally recognize my strength and courage as a human being. I not only share my entire existence with my friends, but I now believe that I can use both writing and radio show to help others express their ideas and share their talents and passions with the Rochester, New York community.

 

 

Creating Myself: Taking Personal Responsibility

“Life isn’t about finding yourself.  It’s about creating yourself.”

–George Bernard Shaw, Author

 

One of the best attributes to our practice in the experience of the members.

I read the experience of a young woman named Eve Engel.  She shares how this practice helps her mend her relationship with her mother after years of resentment. According to her, she and her mother constantly would constantly argue over the latter’s need to point out what she does for Eve.  When she begins chanting, Eve chants for her mother’s happiness and hopes to mend her relationship with her mother.  They now talk on a regular basis and she thanks Nichiren Buddhism for encouraging her to find the courage and wisdom needed to be friends with her mother.

As I read it, however, I feel my stomach twist up in knots.  Eve’s story is similar to mine as far as the static between her and her mother. My mother and I also have had a tumultuous relationship while I was growing up, but in my case we have butted heads due to her abusive behavior towards me and my brothers. When my parents divorced, my father would drift in and out of my life to the point when I wouldn’t know when I’d see him.  This only makes matters worse between Mom and I and until I finally leave home, we would often fight.

In retrospect, I see that we’ve misunderstood one another and the life she envisioned for me isn’t one I wanted for myself.  I see how we’ve tried each other’s patience over mundane matters. But I am also aware that I’ve felt controlled, ridiculed and victimized by people who are supposed to allow me to express myself as long as no harm is done.  As I have gotten older, I have grown bitter towards my parents and begin to point fingers and blame them for my misery, my aunt for my poor choice in partners, and my ADD for “not succeeding.”  Whenever something major have happened in my life, I more often than not associate it with the time I have been slapped in the face or the time Dad has left home.  And I have been able to get away with such nonsense in late teens and twenties.

But Eve states “I learned that one of the most liberating and most difficult aspects of Buddhism is that you can’t blame others for your problems.  You have to choose to take positive action in your life if you want to see yourself reflected in your environment.”

Her experience encourages me to look at my mentality pertaining to responsibility. How many moments have I, as an adult, pointed fingers at supervisors, classmates, friends, and family members for my poor choices and mistakes?  How many times have I wished someone would take care of me or be my parent because I’ve simply had enough of raising myself?  How many opportunities have I missed out on due to the belief that my disorder would only make me look like a fool?  I have my own set of problems, but I have allowed blame and my avoiding personal responsibility dictate my entire personality, my quality of life, and relationships with others.

Though there have been many instances when people have wronged me, there have been times that I’ve used my past to negate personal responsibility and deem myself a victim of my circumstances.  If I am to have a well-rounded life, I have to look within myself and take ownership of whatever I’ve done to contribute to my current environment.

My Buddhist practice is teaching me that I have to stand on my own two feet emotionally and take responsibility for the changes I need to make in order to be happy.

Lessons from a Rejection Letter

“There are many elements involved in a prayer being answered, but the important thing is to keep praying until it is.  By continuing to pray, you can reflect on yourself with unflinching honesty and begin to move your life in a positive direction on the path of earnest, steady effort.  Even if your prayer doesn’t produce concrete results immediately, your continual prayer will at some time manifest itself in a form greater than you had ever hoped.”

—Daisaku Ikeda, Third President of the Soka Gakkai International

 

I receive a letter from Midtown Manor today.

Midtown Manor is a high-rise in the Downtown Rochester area for those with mental and physical illnesses.  I’ve applied for a studio apartment for me and my cat and love of my life, Tobias.  Since the day of turning in my application, I chant that I and Tobias would be able to move in there within the three months so we can have our own place to live. I go so far as to imagine us there in new our studio apartment, living in the heart of the downtown area where I can walk to my therapy appointments without the fear of being late.

But all hope flies out the window when I receive the letter from the facility.  I have been rejected because of my credit score and incomplete paperwork (with the exception of information from a former landlord living a Buffalo, the paperwork mentioned had been completed).

I hold the letter in my hand with tears rolling down my face. For one, most of my debts are unpaid student loans, old medical bills, and line of credit.  I’m unemployed now, but when I have been working, I’ve rarely made enough money to pay off my debts due to my living expenses.  In fact, I have consolidated my loans a month before losing my last job.  Secondly, Midtown Manor is convenient due to the fact that 1) it’s located in the downtown area, which brings me closer to the agency I go to for mental health services and 2) the studios in the building are within my price range.  The rent includes utilities and that would help me out financially.  So the rejection letter is a blow to any chances of me living in the downtown area.

I immediately start to believe that I am never going to overcome my financial karma.  That, until I pay off my debts, I’m not going to have the life I imagine for myself.  That until I see an end in sight to my money troubles, I’m always going to be in this predicament of “being in crisis.”  That I will have to live in an unsafe neighborhood, paying money to yet another slumlord who overlooks my bad credit to make quick money.  I even begin to think that maybe I should go back to work and “tough it out” as far as my depression and anxiety.  I’ve done it before—surely I can manage this next time around even without medication.

But even I know that not getting a handle on my mental health is one of the reasons why I’m unemployed.  My depression and anxiety can get so severe that even my therapist confirms that I’m unemployable for the time being.  And as much as I need an income, my mental stability takes precedence over a paycheck.

I place the letter down and sit in front of my gohonzon just to calm my spirit.  I’ve been told by a senior in faith once told me to go to the gohonzon as I am, which is exactly what I do.

While chanting, I feel my frustration, sadness, anger, and impatience.  I seriously want to succeed so I can take care of myself without having to constantly worry about finances or losing a viable source of income.  I realize my envy towards other members when they have entire conversations about cars and houses when I’ve yet to either obtain or maintain such resources.  I soon begin to wonder if it’s worth it to be a Nichiren Buddhist, seeing that I’m often struggling more so than I care to (I will admit that there have been times when I thought about returning my gohonzon and walking away from this).

But as I continue to chant, I also recognize the small benefits I receive from practicing. One of my friends/housemates, for instance, find that I have holes in the bottom of my sneakers and gave me one a few pairs of shoes she no longer wears.  She has also offered to advocate for me in order to help me find a suitable place to live (I have to point out that this friend is one of three who actually reached out to me during my eviction).  Phil, a senior-in-faith and Care Coordinator, has recommended the Rochester Mental Health Association in regards to services—housing included.  Not only am I able to talk to one of the Services Coordinator, but she is able to provide resources pertaining to housing.  Today, another friend tells me about her building complex, one that works with those with poor to bad credit.  Though it’s a little far from the Downtown area, at least it’s a resource I can use.

But most of all, this entire situation makes me examine my thinking.  I have been quick to determine that because I won’t be living in Midtown Manor, I’ve done something wrong and therefore don’t deserve stability.  Or something is being played against me, so I don’t deserve to succeed.  At meetings, many members tend to experience and talk about the “Big Benefits” they receive from their gohonzons, how such benefits strengthen their faith in the practice.  I’m still waiting for the car, the dream job, the house, a husband, the finances that are granted to those who “practice vigorously” and have the faith like the heart of a lion.

Due to my current struggles, however, I find myself wondering if I have enough faith or study enough.  Yet as I sit in front of my gohonzon, I realize there has been times when I owned cars, rented my own apartments, worked various jobs, dated many lovers and was still unhappy.  Many of my issues stem from the need for something new or next to new in order to feel spiritually nourished.  And it doesn’t stop there.  Someone always has something or someone better and suddenly what (or who) I have suddenly isn’t enough.  So when I lose it, I am the first to wonder what happened and start feeling some kind of way.

What I’m realizing from my current circumstances is that nothing outside myself is going to make me happy.  That has never been the case.  It’s ok for me to express my emotions without thinking that I’m less of a human being whenever something doesn’t work out. To put myself down after every setback is not only exhausting but hurtful and self-defeating, which is the complete opposite in what Nichiren Buddhism stands for.

With that being said, I’m not a victim of my circumstances and I’m not stuck forever in any horrible situation.  Everything that’s happening and is slowly making me a stronger person in faith and life, emotionally and spiritually preparing for something much bigger obstacles.  I’m not pounding my chest and yelling “RELEASE THE CHALLENGES!!” but I wish to not get swept up in my emotions when obstacles occur.